No, it doesn't end tonight.

This entry's for van*, whoever s/he is, and for everyone else who wants to know the full prayer that i mentioned in the previous entry. Hmm, who are you van?

For The Freedom To Be Myself
Lord, I ask you, to rid me of my concern
over what impression I make on other people.

Forgive me for being so preoccupied
with what I seem to be,
with the effect I produce,
with what others think and say of me.

Forgive me
for wanting to imitate others to the extent
that I forget who I am,
for envying their talents so much
that I neglect to develop my own.

Forgive me
for the time I spend trying
to be someone else
and for the time I don't spend
in developing my own character.

Lord, let me be more open to others,
so that, through them, you will be able to
visit me as your friend.

For then I will be the person
that you Love wants me to be
your child and a friend to all.

I haven't read kaijin's blog in a damn damn DAMN long time. But for some reason i decided to go and take a look at it today. So the first thing that came up on screen was a rather long entry. I, being the type of person who hates reading so badly, of course did not plan to read it right through. So i started skimming through the first two paragraphs. Then he was talking about "theory". So i read on. And i'm glad i did.

It's been a really long time since i've actually slowed down and started some deep thinking. Self-searching? Whatever. Probably because i've come to realise that its really not necessary. You only live once. So why waste your time thinking? Thinking doesn't get you anywhere, doesn't accomplish anything, doesn't do you any good. Or does it? If someone thought more, would that make him a better person than someone who didn't? Of course i'm not refering to "thinking" as when you decide whether something is right or wrong, logical or stupid. I'm refering to the "thinking" as when you wonder about life itself and aspects of it. Like your future, your past, stuff like that.

Certain people can hardly stop themselves from thinking. One thing that most people think about is relationships, crushes and etcetera. You can't blame them really. Forever thinking about two of them together forever, happy always, all that cliche stuff. I guess my decision to stay away from this "field" has made me think less. And yet i don't feel at a loss. I don't feel like i'm inferior to those people who think more. It's all good. I'm just as happy, if not happier than those people. So why change my way of life when it's going great for me? What if i stop thinking permanantly? I'm pretty convinced that its nothing but a whole waste of time. Afterall, its what action you take that counts really. So what am i doing now? Isn't this thinking? Sure it is. At least i think it is... I guess i just couldn't help but write down what's floating around in my head. I don't even know if i'm going to post this up at all. I may just delete it after i finish typing.

Okay anyways, to the next point kaijin was talking about. Acting. When people put on a front and portray themselves in a way they would want people to see, instead of the real person. Some people act happy when they're sad to remove worry from loved ones and close friends. Even i did that. But that was a very very long time ago. Then there are the good actors, and the bad actors. The good ones cover everything up, look their usual self and go about their daily lives without anyone having even a hint of what's going on. While inside them, all their troubles and sorrows are stirring and building up. Some people can contain these emotions, some can't. They finally expode. Then there are the bad actors. These people really get on my nerves at times. They can openly let the whole world know that they're actors. They tell everyone they're really sad and angry and what else, but they're just acting so nobody would worry. Then where's the point in acting at all? Instead they're probably the type that seek attention. Or pity. Same difference.

When i was in sji, there was this prayer we said on some days... The name of the prayer is "For the Freedom to be Myself". There were some lines that struk me just about everytime i read it... "Forgive me for wanting to imitate others to the extent that i forget who i am, for the time i spend trying to be someone else, and neglect developing my own character." Basically it just means you have to be yourself. So here comes the big question. Would it be better to act like you're happy when you're not, and keep everybody around you happy and cheerful? Or rather be yourself, and show your true emotions to everyone? Which is dangerous, for me at least. I tend rub off my frustration and scrwed-up-ness on other people, getting them really dodgy too. That sucks, it does. So back to the question, which is better? To show everyone the fake you, but everyone's still happy except yourself, or to show everyone the real you, and get them all pissed off too? What do you think?

Now i come to the topic about friends. What kaijin said about friends and true friendship hit hard. Am i in the same boat as him? Are all my friendships those "fleeting" ones? (Like how kaijin has described them to be) When i was in primary school, moving onto secondary school, i felt as though the friends i had were the best in the world. Nobody could ever replace them. But before i knew it, i had lost contact with about half of the class. And by the end of secondary school, it went to the point where i didn't even acknowledge my closest friends in primary school. Now in junior college, i'm worried the same thing may happen. Of course as of now it hasn't really happened. But at this time in secondary one i was still close to my st. mike's friends. So we'll see, only time can tell. But of course there are those people whom i really treasure as friends. I consider them as my best friends. But whether i'm considered to be that good a friend to them is a different story altogether.

Ah... All this thinking is making me go crazy. Stop thinking, its bad for you. You end up getting hurt rather than feeling whole. True? I think so...

Haven't blogged in a really really long time. Heh... So here i am now, trying to make up for it.

The cj cny concert wasn't all that bad. I enjoyed maybe two out of the ten performances? Heh... After that there was pot luck. I wasn't assigned to bring anything, but i still brought two packs of chips anyways. Don't think they were even opened but nevermind. During the pot luck jerome and i were wandering around the school. Walked to the j2 block too. I went to hil's class and got some bee hoon and spagehtti. Then went to mel's class and got some lasagne. Heh it was much better than what you could find in the j1 classes. After a while it started to get utterly boring so i went back to class. Wanted to get out of school as soon as i could.

Met up with a bunch of josephians and went back to sji with them. Aaron and i walked around the whole staff room saying hi to teachers but nobody in particular. We went upstairs and talked to cf for a while, then went to the office and talked to brother mike. Then we went to stone around in the canteen. About twenty of us then wassuped francis. Heh my gosh, it was damn fun. For the rest of us that is... I'm sure it came as a big shock to him. He didn't even see it coming. ;)

After that i went to play soccer at nie with the 2e8 people plus fook siong, puuchyng, zhi kang and timothy. Heh was only 4 on 4. Quite tiring but still fun. Went to eat at serene after that then came home. Actually wanted to go back out to town but nobody was there so yea, stayed at home.

Ah, it was a boring day come to think of it. Hope tomorrow (today) would be better. You'd probably feel that this post totally lacks any emotion or feeling. Well, its 1.15am and i'm a little too tired to spice up my entries.

Yesterday was probably one of the most tiring days of my life... The last two periods of the day were PE, and two periods means mass pe. I heard rumours about how crazy the mass pe was before that so i was still deciding whether or not to use my mc. Heh... I had that convenience option beacuse i was sick the day before. Anyways, i decided against it. Stupid me... First thing we did was run 6 rounds in under 10 minutes. The track wasn't 400m though, it was a little less so that meant about 2km? I don't know... Ok nevermind, so we did pushups, crunches, burpees, star jumps, squats, jumping jacks, blah blah blah and the oh-so-famous gst. We had 5 sets of it all and i swear i felt like dying right there. It was just about exactly the same as ncc training. Ugh...

Nevermind, so i survived that. Then straight after that was soccer trails. It was the final selection. That's why i figured if i had used the mc, he wouldn't have let me played soccer, and thus i would have no chance of getting into the team. Okay anyways, first thing we had to do for soccer training was to run 2.4. SHIOK. My timing was 14.30. Hahaha... My gosh you can imagine how slow i was jogging. I really couldn't be bothered to run any faster. Was so damn tired already. So after that we played a game. I was amazed i could even stand.

The game sucked. Heh... I jumped up for a header, when my own team mate came from under me and knocked me. So i fell right onto my side. Bloody hell... Damn pain. Ok nevermind. Then i scored a goal, but the defender also caught my knee. So yea, quite pain. Nevermind... Then the next game against the j2's... I was chasing a ball that was going out on the far side, where the concrete "seats" are... And the ever-so-smart me couldn't stop in time and rammed myself against the concrete. My thigh took most of the damage, but so did my right ring finger. The nail broke into the finger and don't-know-what-else and now it hurts like crazy. Can't even squeeze it. Smart smart me...

The GOOD thing is... I got into the team finally. BUT, the coach said i've got to play 3 times better than what i did that day. I agree with him actually. Maybe not 3 but more than 3. So if i remove sickness, and remove the 2.4 run at the start of training, and remove the mass pe before training, that should be good enough. Well at least i hope so...

I'm blogging. Whoopie...

Okay let's see. CJC teachers are all, well, almost all damn bloody slack. Haha... BUT, the people in class are nuts. I swear they're all crazy. I'll give you an example. After maths tutorial, i stop doing whatever work and take a break. Hiresh, on my right, and geng li two seats to my left, and a lot of others in class are frantically trying to complete every single damn tutorial given to them. They're absolutely crazy. Can't stand it. It's so bloody demoralising to see them so hard at work while i'm slacking off. Ugh... Sometimes i'm convinced that i'm the only normal person in class. Everyone else is an alien. Heh...

Had second round of soccer trials on thursday. The coach said he "didn't see me" the day before. As in he didn't see me do anything during the game. Ya right i scored two goals dammit. Nevermind. So yea i went all out this time round. Didn't score any goals but i got my name taken down. Heh weird huh? Guess its not how many goals you score.

Had PE today... Some people say that cj's pe is the toughest in singapore. Heh i might just believe what those people say. First thing we did was run three rounds, then did a bit of pumping, crunches, then did GST. Haha.. Grand stand training. We had to run up and down the grand stand three times. My gosh i've realised how damn unfit i am. And if i'm going to be playing soccer for cj, i really need to train up. Even at my fittest i wouldn't make the cut.

Anyways, today after 'recess' i started to get pains in my throat. Thought it was a sore throat or something but it felt much different. It was bloody pain and freaking irritating. Had to tahan it all the way until 4.30pm, when my classes finally ended. Then went home. Mum insisted it was a sore throat, but sore throats don't include pains in the chest area so yea, i figured it was worse than just a sore throat. Went to my uncle's house for a "check up" after dinner. He says i've got "post nasal drip". Or something along that line... Then he gave me some antibiotics to take. So now i don't know if i'll be well enough to play soccer on sunday and even monday... This could very well screw everything up for me. Ugh. The perfect-est time for me to fall sick.

Haven't had a good sleep in a really long time... So i'm going to sleep now. Or soon.

Blink 182 - Stay Together For The Kids

It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted, its so pathetic, it makes no sense at all
I'm ripe with things to say, the words rot and fall away
If a stupid poem could fix this home, i'd read it every day

Chorus
So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night
Twenty years now lost
It's not right

Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them everyday
We get along so why can't they
If this is what he wants, and it's what she wants
Then why's there so much pain

Chorus x2

Its not right

It was all good until some fuckface had to spoil it all. Won't elaborate.

Got my class today. Appeal was successful. That mean's i'm doing 2 maths and 2 sciences. Don't know how i'm going to do it but yea. Got the class 1T16. Its damn small. Only 15 people in the class. That's about half of what my class was in sec 4 and its even smaller than my og. Timo's in my class too. Good to have at least one more sji guy with you. Then hiresh is also here. And leo, a super old friend from st. mikes. We were classmates from primary one to three. Then there is jerome. Went to mount ophir with him with ncc. So that means i know a third of the class already. Heh... Met a few people today too that i haven't seen in a really long time. Ivan tan and nigel boey from st. mike's 6b. I'm damn surprised they can recognise me. I couldn't recognise them until they told me their names... But at least i can remember their names. Heh...

Tomorrow's dragonboating. Can either be damn fun or damn boring. So we'll see how it turns out. Then wednesday's cca orientation. Heard from a few people that there're soccer trials on wednesday. My gosh... Hope my thigh heals by then. Or else i'd may end up like what happened in sji when i was in sec 1. I was damn confident of getting into the soccer team but i didn't make it. Stupid. Then i had no idea what other cca to join so i randomly got one, and i dreaded it. At least for the first few months i did.

Okay that's enough. No more mood to blog.

First day of school. Lots and lots more to say. Let's start from the top.

I woke up late. Perfect start for the first day of school. I re-set my clock last night because it was wrong, but i set it to 10.30 AM instead of 10.30 PM. So yea, the alarm didn't go off and i didn't wake up until my mum came in and got me up. Rushed like crazy and got changed and stuff then left. She dropped me at the path to the bus stop. Just as i reached the bus stop i saw the 186 driving off. Perfect. So i just waited and waited and the bus never came. Then timo came at about 7 something. We were supposed to meet imran and aaron at the cj bus stop at 7.15, but at 7.15 we hadn't even reached sji bus stop.

Anyways we got there about ten minutes late or so. Saw a big group of sji people waiting at the busstop for God-knows-what. I just went in with timo, imran and aaron to the hall. Everywhere i went there was an sji guy. Haha.. I think almost half of the j1's were from sji. That's a good thing and a bad thing. It works both ways. So we went to the hall for FLAG RAISING. And instead of the usual "school attention" and all, they had a j2 GIRL who couldn't really shout properly shout the command in malay! As in like military style... My gosh, i thought i'd left behind all that ncc shit when i passed out of ncc in august last year. But nooo... It comes back in jc. It was scary.

After that we met the faggot. Yes, the faggot. The very first person i detest in cjc is the faggot. I can't even remember his name. But it doesn't matter. He's like a cross between, david kwang, amos lee and francis loh. The way he talks is damn gay-ish. It's hair-raising. Then he looks like amos lee, just fatter. Then he talks as FAST as francis loh. Damn lagger. Okay enough about the faggot. It pains me to write about him. It. Whatever.

Then we got split into our orientation groups. I had tried looking for people from my group ever since i got my letter but couldn't find anyone. But i was quite sure that there would be at least one more sji guy in my og. So i was right, there was matthew yeo and jonathan chua and WONG JUNJIE. My gosh. Enough said. Those were the sji people. Then there was one st. pats guy, st. gabs, a lot of ij girls, one from new town, assumption, plmgs and maybe some more that i forgot. Wouldn't say i was all that socialble today. Haha... Was pretty stoned so i didn't talk much, or at all for that matter. Just tried to look a little lively. Of course it didn't work. Heh...

We played some games. Quite lame. Heh, ice breakers and the usual stuff. Then had a talk by bro. paul on the subjects and stuff. My gosh by the end of the talk my ass was hurting like shit. Haven't sat down cross legged for so long in such a long time. After that we had the registration and stuff. So i registered, and then walked around during the break. Didn't eat anything from the canteen. Heard from people that the food there sucks. So yea, heh stayed away from it.

Oh yes, on the way to registering, we walked pass the school "barber". With a long line of j2's queuing up. He was just shaving all the hair off. Haha my gosh i never want to get caught for long hair again. Then we overheard some of them saying something like that guy can't cut for nuts. Heh...

Anyways, after the break the faggot called some names up. Including me. Said our registration had some problems so we had to go re-register. What the hell man... In the end found out i could not opt for any 4 subject combinations because my aggregate was not 12 or below. So i just opted then went to appeal for a 4 subject combi. Hopefully i can make it, because for those 4 relevant subjects i got 8 points, which is the requirement. So after that i went to look for my og. And guess what? I couldn't find them. Went around the hall, to dunno where and where else but couldn't find them. Finally found them after about ten minutes of walking here and there. So we went on to play more FUN FUN games, before another briefing by the faggot.

Monday, there would be "wet games". I guess it would depend on how tired i am on monday to see how much i enjoy the "wet games". Well, at least the lessons don't start yet. But we'll be getting our classes and stuff so i just hope i get the combi i want and good fun classmates. Then tuesday there's dragonboat. Pretty cool. First time i'm going to be doing it. I'm damn unfit after the holidays so i don't know if i'll last. Haha... Nevermind. And then wednesday there's some performance we got to put up and shit like that. Ah its all full of shit. Heh...

Today ended at 4.15pm. I nearly died. If everyday's going to end at this time i'm really going to die. And today didn't even have any lessons! Imagine having lessons from 8am to 4.15pm. I swear i'll die. Wednesday's going to end at 6 plus. I'm seriously thinking of ponning wednesday. Ah well, we'll see how it goes. Okay then, that's enough for this entry.

What year is it?

Last night's party was okay... A little uncomfortable at times but it was okay overall. Didn't sleep until about 4 something, then woke up at 6.30 and stoned in the dining room with leslie. He left at about 7 something then i went to the swing and sat there and just thought. Ah its complicating. Everything is. Heh don't think anyone would understand what i've just wrote. Maybe one. So nevermind, i'll stop now. Pretty stoned from yestarday.